It has been a trying few days for me. No there is no major catastrophe, Thank The Lord, but sometimes it's the day to day small stuff that can wear any of us down. That's the kind of trial I'm talking about today.
Does anyone else fall into that rut of overwhelm and then depend solely upon yourself to climb back out of it?
Does anyone else have difficulty asking others to share in their pain and the burdens on their heart?
I found myself in this position this past weekend. I just wanted to slam the door on everyone and go into my room and have a pity party all alone. OK, well, that is exactly what I did. I got mad at my husband and went to my room and closed him out. And then I watched TV and grumbled under my breath and I probably even thought things like, I bet her (television lady) husband is never a jerk, scratch that, ALL men are probably jerks! Yeah, it was not my finest hour, or 4 hours as it were.
I'd love to say Sunday morning I was better, buuuuuttttt, I was still harboring anger and resentment and a whole heaping mound of bitterness. So off to church we went. Annnndddd guess who got into a fight during church? Yup, WE DID! Annnnnndddd guess what the sermon was about?
John 13:34 As I have loved you, love one another. #fail
We got into the car and I got an earful and then I sat quiet the rest of the way home, y'all we live 30-45 minutes from our church.... it was a looooonnnnnggggg ride home.
Our daughters and their families almost always come over for Sunday supper. This week was no different, but as I was talking to my youngest daughter, I cracked. And all that had been weighing me down all weekend came tumbling out. I would not normally lay my burdens on ANYONE, let alone my child, especially when part of the issue has to do with her father, but it was there and pouring over. Sometimes, you just can't stop the dam from breaking.
I want to share a little bit of this with you because I want to also tell you what God revealed to me this morning about the situation.
My life in a nutshell has always been a constant battle between doing what I want and doing for everyone else. I am sure there are many of us that can relate, especially the women. We always seem to be the ones that feel the need to right all the wrongs of the world. And we always seem to come up short and then we feel even more like a huge failure. I wish I understood why we are like this. I wish I could be more like..... well, like my husband and not bother myself with feeling the need to make everything so perfect. My life, his life, our kids lives, our parents lives, our families lives, our friends lives, strangers lives. I mean for real, for real, I am no prayer warrior, but I have prayed for many people I've never met, nor will I ever meet. I've given money to many go-fund-me campaigns for people I do not know, simply because I desire to help. But again, in my own life, with the people I do know, that desire to help can really turn into a desire to make perfect, a desire to control outcomes, a desire to control behavior, a desire to control. And as I examine this desire, I realize it is birthed from selfishness. It is birthed from my thoughts of, if I can get you to a place where you can just behave the way I want you to behave, I CAN HAVE MY FREEDOM! Oh My! Can anyone relate? Can anyone see the setup for failure in this? WOW! The things we do to ourselves.
Oh and how the guilt eats at me when I don't give and give and give, the anger, the rage, the frustration with life! But is this how it's supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to be cheerful givers? And then as I was running on the treadmill this morning, I was blasted by a revelation...
Mark 8:34-35 (NIV) Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
I started really thinking about what it means to "die to self". And the hard truth is, I struggle with this day in and day out! The problem is in my heart and in my reluctance to give myself over to what the Lord has called me to. It goes back to my selfish need for what I feel is freedom. The truth of the matter is I am the one who is holding myself prisoner, I am not giving myself freedom, I have thrown myself into the tower and thrown away the keys by trying to control the outcome of everyone else's life.
So how do I resolve this dying to self issue and free myself from the self imposed prison? First, I must accept the season I am in. Second, I must take responsibility for my actions (or lack there of). Third, I need to work on having the discipline to do what I want to do, WHILE doing what needs to be done. I need to unearth exactly what it is I feel will happen if I fulfill my wants while taking care of someone else's needs. And I need to determine how valid those feelings are.
Am I doing right by the Lord by creating my own misery to please everyone around me? Is that the dying to self the Lord is talking about? Is it my burden to try and carry everyone else's cross? Isn't that what I am doing by trying to control the outcome of everyone else's life?
I believe what God wants is my WILLINGNESS to be shaped by him. I can make the circumstances in my life mean what I want them to mean and that has nothing to do with God. That is the condition of my human heart. If I want to feel imprisoned by caring for others, that is in my head. I can just as easily see it as a gift that I should be so lucky to have such a huge place in the lives of others. And this business of getting my wants met, well that is up to me too. But I can show my willingness to have the Lord shape what this looks like by praying about it, by taking those desires to Him and asking Him to clear my mind and make a way for me to fulfill those desires while caring for others.
I don't think we are meant to die to our desires, not if they are good and godly. I think we must surrender our lives to God, I believe THAT is the dying to self we are to experience. Lord, help me to use the talent you have giving me in ways that bless my life and the lives of those around me! This is the way to have your cake and eat it too! I believe that the Lord will make a way for me and he will make a way for you too!
As I finish this rather long and drawn out post, I'd like to share this writing from C.S. Lewis that I came across. Are we willing to pay the price? I believe we CAN pay the price and still have an amazing and full life. A life rooted in the Lord, a life rooted in His plans, we just have to be willing. Human nature says we will struggle, we must make a choice every day to surrender to the Lord and allow Him to do a good work within us, but we have to be willing. We can still do as we please, yes, because that is free will, but by surrendering daily to God's will, we will find that our human will, will become closer and closer to the Lords will.
Lord, I pray that all who are reading this will surrender to you and your perfect will for our lives. I pray that we will find a balance and overcome our struggles. That Your will, will become our will. That we will be willing to have our hearts broken open so that you may give us a new heart filled with your goodness. I pray for a passion so deep in all we do to glorify you Lord, that we find contentment in this life. In Jesus' name, Amen.
"Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: My own will shall become yours.'...
"When I was a child I often had toothache, and I knew that if I went to my mother she would give me something which would deaden the pain for that night and let me get to sleep. But I did not go to my mother--at least not till the pain became very bad. And the reason I did not go was this. I did not doubt she would give me the aspirin; but I knew she would also do something else. I could not get what I wanted out of her without getting something more, which I did not want. I wanted immediate relief from pain, but I could not get it without having my teeth set permanently right. And I knew those dentists; I knew they started fiddling about with all sorts of other teeth which had not yet begun to ache. They would not let sleeping dogs lie. If you gave them an inch they would take a mile.
"Now, if I may put it that way, our Lord is like the dentists. If you give Him an inch, He will take a mile. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of... or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it alright: but He will not stop there. That may be all you ask; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' before becoming Christians. 'Make no mistake,' He says, 'If you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less or other than that.'
"'Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life... whatever it cost Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect--until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.'
"The goal toward which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realize that. If we do not, then we are very likely to start pulling back and resisting Him after a certain point. I think that many of us, when Christ has enabled us to overcome one or two sins that were an obvious nuisance, are inclined to feel (though we do not put it into words) that we are now good enough. He has done all we wanted Him to do. And we should be obliged if He would now leave us alone.
"But this is the fatal mistake... The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us....
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you know that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself!"
